King Henry IV, Part 1.
(in Modern English)
Act 2 - Scene 1.

King Henry IV, Part 1: Act 2 - Scene 1.

FIRST CARRIER.

Hey yo!

If it's not four o'clock, I'll be hanged!

The hour hand's moving fast to the right...

And our horse still isn't packed up!

Hey innkeep!

INNKEEP.

Coming, coming!

FIRST CARRIER.

Please, Tom, fluff up Cut's saddle...

Line it with some down if you can!

Poor bloke has really had it!

SECOND CARRIER.

The peas and beans in this place...

Are as damp as a dog...

And that is the best way to give...

Poor blokes indigestion!

This house is turned upside down...

Since Robin Innkeep died...

FIRST CARRIER.

Poor fellow...

Never happy since the price of oats rose...

It was the death of him...

SECOND CARRIER.

I think this be the most lowdown inn...

In all London-town for fleas!

I've been bitten all over!

FIRST CARRIER.

Bitten all over!

By the mass, there is no King in Christendom...

Could be better bit than I have been...

Since the morning cock crowed...

SECOND CARRIER.

Why, they won't give us some bug spray...

And there's leaks in the chimney...

And your bed breeds fleas...

Like a pooch!

FIRST CARRIER.

Hey there, innkeep!

Get out here and be hanged!

SECOND CARRIER.

I have a rack of bacon...

And two sacks of ginger...

That need to be taken as far as Charing-cross.

FIRST CARRIER.

God's body!

The turkeys in my basket are quite starved...

Come on, innkeep!

A plague on you!

Don't you have a single eye in your head?

Can't you hear?

If it's not as good a deed to drink...

As to bust your head...

Then call me what you will!

Come out, and be hanged!

Don't you care about doing a good job?

GADSHILL.

Good morning, carriers.

What time is it?

FIRST CARRIER.

I think it's two o'clock.

GADSHILL.

Please lend me your lantern...

So I can find my gelding in the stable.

FIRST CARRIER.

Naw, by God, wait a minute...

I've heard that trick before!

GADSHILL.

Please, then, lend me yours.

SECOND CARRIER.

Oh really?

Is that so?

Lend me your lantern, says he?

Man, I'll see you hanged first!

GADSHILL.

Mister Carrier...

What time do you mean to come to London?

SECOND CARRIER.

Soon enough to read a nice book in bed...

If I don't say so myself!

Come, neighbor Mugs...

We'll go get the gentlemen!

They'll come along with our company...

For they've got valuable cargo.

GADSHILL.

Hey, yes you, manager!

MANAGER.

At your service, said the cutpurse!

GADSHILL.

Might as well say...

'At your service, said the manager'

For your occupation is to stealing...

As giving directions is to work!

You instruct how...

MANAGER.

Good morning, Mister Gadshill.

What I told you yesternight is still true:

There's a free landowner in Kent...

Who brought three hundred marks...

With him in gold...

I heard him tell it...

To one of his company last night at supper!

He's some kind of auditor...

One that oversees a lot too...

God knows what!

Ah, they're already awake...

And calling for eggs and butter!

They'll be on their way presently!

GADSHILL.

My man...

If they don't meet with Saint Nicholas' clerks...

I'll give you my neck as a present!

MANAGER.

No thanks, man:

Save that neck for the hangman...

For I know you worship St. Nicholas...

The patron saint of thieves...

As truly as a man of falsehood may.

GADSHILL.

What're you talking to me 'bout the hangman for?

If I hang, I'll make a large pair of gallows!

'Cause if I hang...

Old Sir John Falstaff hangs with me!

And you know he's far from malnourished.

Tut tut!

There are other Trojans in the horse...

That you don't even dream of...

Who are taking part in this for sport's sake...

To do the profession some grace!

That would, if matters would be looked into...

For their own credits' sake, make all whole.

I am joined with no foot-land rakers...

No long-staff sixpenny strikers...

None of these mad, mustachioed...

Purple-hued malt-worms...

But with nobility and tranquillity...

Mayors and great flatterers...

Such as can pull their weight...

Such as would punch sooner than speak!

And speak sooner than drink!

And drink sooner than pray!

And yet, God's wounds, I lie!

For they pray continually to their saint...

The commonwealth...

Or rather, not pray to her...

But prey on her!

For they ride up and down on her...

And make her their boots.

MANAGER.

What, the commonwealth their boots?

Will she keep water out in a pinch?

GADSHILL.

She will, she will...

Justice liquored her up.

We steal as in a castle, cocksure!

We've got some fern-seed...

To make our walk invisible.

MANAGER.

Nay, by my faith...

I think you are more beholden...

To the night than to fern-seed...

For your walking invisible.

GADSHILL.

Give me your hand.

You'll have a share in our purchase...

As I am a true man.

MANAGER.

No, better let me have it...

As you are a false thief.

GADSHILL.

Get outta here!

Homo sapiens...

Is a common name to all men!

Tell that innkeep to fetch my gelding...

Out of the stable.

Farewell, you muddy rascal!

Previous: Act 1. Scene 3.

Next: Act 2. Scene 2.

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